I’m sad. I take pride (although not much pleasure) in nursing my children. I strongly believe that no formula could ever be quite as good as what God made my body to do, and I believe very strongly in doing it. Nursing, that is. That was a bad sentence, but I don’t care enough to fix it. Anyway! With Caleb I started out making WAY too much milk! I could easily feed him and pump a minimum of 7 more ounces every day. Usually I’d get more than that.
When he was 9 weeks I had surgery and production fell off so sharply that I didn’t even have enough to completely feed him for about two weeks! Luckily I had a bunch stored up, but it’s amazing how quickly you can blow through that stuff! So I took Fenugreek (good stuff!) and kept pushing the water and giving him chances to nurse. I’d say within a month we were back up to maybe 60 – 70% of what it had been. But that was okay, because it was enough to feed him.
A couple months ago he got sick, I got sick, Tim got sick — Ethan felt GREAT! 
Caleb went on antibiotics that made him throw up and he didn’t want to eat much. So his demand was down. And because I was sick too I wasn’t drinking like I should and pumping was just too much effort. So production plummeted again. More Fenugreek and other stuff and I thought I was bouncing back. Then we took Caleb in for something else and discovered he’d LOST 1/2 a pound! So I had to face the fact that maybe I wasn’t meeting his needs. I started one bottle a day of formula to supplement (he was also on solids by now). Two weeks later he’d gained 15 oz. I quickly gave the dr. a rundown of the "saga" and he said there’s actually a name for this: Breastfeeding Starvation. NICE!!!! I said to him, "That’s dandy! I’ve been starving my baby!" He chuckled and said not to take it so hard and that the child is still healthy and we caught it in time. So it’s okay. I was thinking, "Fine– it’s okay for you because all your job is, is to keep him healthy. I can respect and appreciate that. But I’m failing my baby!"
So I determined to keep popping the Fenugreek, up the water some more (if possible! a gallon a day is about my limit!), keep giving him chances to nurse, etc. Over the next few weeks things did not seem to get better, and in fact got a little worse. By the time I got strep throat last Tuesday (the WORST case I’ve ever had) he was up to two bottles a day and I was thinking he still wasn’t getting much from me. He was clearly not always satisfied by the time there was nothing left. (By the way, since my surgery I’ve never been able to pump more than a total of 2 oz. in an entire day.)
I was "swallowing glass" for about 48 hours+ before the medicine started helping, and then the med’s made me so nauseous I could barely keep a tiny bit of water and crackers down. Long story not so very short: I got nuthin’ left to give. So now he’s totally on formula. And while I do not think I’m "harming" the child (it would actually be more harmful in this case to persist with only nursing, I think), it’s upsetting. I’m frustrated and feel like I failed him, because there was probably more I could’ve and should’ve done. I’m glad he got the benefits as long as he did — blah, blah , blah. But it’s still hard. And yes, there’s absolutely an element of control freak — no one who knows me will be surprised. I don’t like that Caleb or myself were NOT the ones to choose when it would end. But there it is.
And HOLY COW!!! Have you SEEN the price of formula!? Man!
Anyway, there’s my tale of woe. And no, I don’t cry all the time about it or anything. I feel like it was the right thing to do. I just don’t like it. But….. Welcome to parenting, huh?